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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in my fellow crazies' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
1:02 pm
[iamacliche]
CFAR fresh air rights
hello. i haven't posted in a long ass time but my friend jon works for this thing called the coalition for fresh air rights (CFAR) and their main purpose is to get all hospitals to allow psych patients fresh air rights, which hospitals everywhere have been trying to take from us. anyway, it looks like it may actually come to be, here in massachusetts where it is being started, if the bill is passed or whatever, and if it is passed here, CFAR will most likely be branching out to have fresh air rights ensured all over the US. CFAR seems to be doing really well, but if anyone is willing to send an email to Rep.SalvatoreDiMasi@hou.state.ma.us saying just that you urge him to support House Bill # 4757, and to please release it to the House Floor it could mean good things for the rights of mental health clients.
Also, just to qualify, as i have not written on here in so long, i am 27 years old, live in massachusetts and i have PTSD and addiction issues. i've had over 10 different diagnosis but PTSD makes the most sense and i've been hospitalized more times than i can count at this point.
thank you, Jymi


Current Mood: depressed
Friday, December 16th, 2005
2:18 am
[_love_my_ana_]
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
9:04 pm
[mrshannibal]
i've been on medication to treat this bipolar/borderline personality disorder thing going on...also in therapy for it...i've been feeling incredibly stable for quite awhile now...still...i often think - or rather, am afraid that some day down the road - what if i lose my mind? i've been on the verge of exactly that many a time in the past...it's scary...i don't want to go there again...i try to keep those thoughts at arm's length...yet it haunts me...
Friday, November 4th, 2005
1:13 pm
[mrshannibal]
this's how i've been feeling for the past 2 days
i've been in a hypomanic mood as of late...i crashed last nite for an hour, then was fine for the rest of the nite...feeling that way again today - here at work...helaine said i was this yesterday and i didn't believe her...
today - i do...
she's worried that the crashes are going to be really bad...then said that i need to sleep...
i didn't bring my klonopin with me today...
of course, i never bring it with me, as i leave it at home...funny how i bring everything else with me...
so, i'm done with work early today and am going to marshall with phil today at the alameda golf course - then home for a nap before i have to take the girls out to their party tonite...
went for a short walk with helaine and that was nice...

Current Mood: hypomanic
Monday, July 25th, 2005
3:46 pm
[mascot]
Bipolar?
i have a question, which will be repeated on several listserves.

Now, normally, i greatly question the concept of pathologizing everything under the sun, something many mental health professionals i have worked with, both as a co-worker and as a patient, have a tendency to do. However, i am tired of living with a cluster of symptoms that seem to not fit the bill for any specific disorder (i have mood symptoms, anxiety symptoms, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, psychotic symptoms and symptoms of borderline and schizotypal personality disorders). i want whatever is going on with me to have a name.

i have recently been diagnosed with a bipolar spectrum disorder, which i feel may be accurate, though it requires gaining a new understanding of my mind, body, history and behavior. Unfortunately, my doctor is having difficulty narrowing down the diagnosis because i have experienced major depression, hypomania and mixed episodes. i have never had a "classic" manic episode. The hypomania disqualifies me from Bipolar I, but the mixed episodes disqualify me from Bipolar II. At least, this is the information i have been able to glean from the DSM IV-R and the Internet. If anyone has any ideas that could help me clear my way through the confusion, i would be greatly appreciative.
Thursday, May 26th, 2005
1:15 pm
[jtotheceezy]
Hi All
Hi my name is J.C. I have full blown schitzophrenia and anxiety as well as depression. I am a Christian so I tend to rely on God for a lot of things but there is nothing like having a groups support. Feel free to hit me up anytime, I'm always floating around here somewhere lol.
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
12:24 pm
[mascot]
NEW COMMUNITY
Hi! i'd like to announce the birth of a new crazy community: psych_assist . This is a community designed to answer any and all QUESTIONS about mental health issues. C/S/X and clinicians welcome alike. Come and join!
Sunday, November 28th, 2004
9:47 pm
[fetus_milkshake]
New
Hey, i'm Kat, 17 from New Zealand. Completely crazy, Depression(was possible bipolar but we got that sorted in the hospital) with a side order of genralized anxiety, and post traumatic disorder.I also think I may be developing OCD or tourettes, but thats just me not a preffesional opinion. I just wanted to make a quick intro post, so yall know i'm floating round here somewhere. i'm not very good with emotions and all that, but i'll try support people anyway I can.

Anyway, im blabbering so uh Hi
Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
10:39 am
[liquid_rubies]
My anxiety had been pretty bad lately.... Sometimes i feel as though I cant breathe. like my heart is literally gunna pulse its way right out of my flesh. I dont know what to say about the whole situation besides that I am terrified, which certainly isnt helping the whole situation at all.

I have had severe anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, and I have strong abandonment issues as well. Im always scared i am gunna be left, almost liek im always on edge because i am not worthy of anyones friendships or love... and I am terrified that Erik will leave me. No matter what reassurance i get from him I still feel as though he diserves better.

I want to get better, I do...... but then it terrifies me. What if i can. What if I do change and Im not me, like Im just another rat in the human race. I dont know what to feel about this whole situation. I just know the Lexapro SUCKS and i need help! Or do I even want it?
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
1:43 pm
[mrshannibal]
...and so it goes...
this depersonalized feeling seems to have come for an uninvited visit, and has chosen to stay - despite my best, physical efforts to remove it from this human temple of chaos...i've been prescribed a higher dosage of prozac (the depression just sucks - i mean, let's face it, not something most want to live with, but some don't have a choice), and higher dosage of depakote (yeah - feeling depersonalized almost ALL the time is no day at the beach)...i spoke with one of the therapists here (they are called "clinicians" - god knows why!) and he suggested some form of group therapy, and i thought to myself, "why hadn't i come up with that?" just shows to go ya...so, yeah - i get this feeling a lot - like now...i feel as if i'm being lifted out of the chair, back and up towards the ceiling and there's really nothing i can do to stop it...it leaves me feeling numb, unable to seriously concentrate on my work and when i want to type - my fingers forget where the keys are and brain lets that happen...i can deal with this while in bed reading, or trying to sleep - but when i am up, and out and about - well, my fine feathered friend, it just sucks big orange donkey dick...the thoughts of cutting come and go...there are nights when i have to "daydream" myself to sleep for it to stop...the same with wanting to go out and score some meth - all of this goes hand in hand and it's always a scary thing for me...i haven't cut since some time in june, and here i thought it'd been since march! hah! but seriously - it's been a struggle to stay clean and cut-free for all this time...there are times when i literally plan it out - only to be distracted by watching something inocuous on tv, now how's that for the "perfect drug"?...this morning i felt incredibly manic and thoughts literally ran thru my head and dizzying speeds - only to have me come crashing down while riding on the bus to work...i hope the pills take the edge off at least a little...i still have the xanax & valium - but there are times when that is not enough to bring me down...all the thoughts are still there - the desire to cut and wind up in the hospital, the urge to run off and score then stay up for nights on end just to prove a stupid ass point, and then the mania sets in, or the depression and i just want to sleep the time away...and so it goes...

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, August 6th, 2004
9:55 pm
[mrshannibal]
can't you see - it's not me
the emptiness begins to fill my stomach
i can feel it
nothing is right and i feel so wrong
i keep thinking it will go away
yet it intensifies with every waking moment
i wrestle with sleep
and it doesn't win
images of decayed halls and empty rooms fill my mind
stairs leading nowhere
an open door to a place of death
echoes of painful wailing fill my ears
faces in the moment of a scream
i cannot erase them from my mind
i push thoughts of dying and self-destruction away
yet they come again and again
persistant in their quest of me
of me and my soul and my mind
the crying has stopped
i don't know if that's good or bad
i want to open my mind and remove the horror
but i cannot
i slog thru the emotions that are rising like a flood
i am waist deep in this
and i don't know how to swim

Current Mood: crushed
9:35 pm
[mrshannibal]
she broke down
i cannot see the keys for the tears
leaving streaks down my face
my eyes frantically blink them away
and yet they continue
i want to let go
but the horrible habit of hiding continues
my eyelashes cling together
i close my eyes and see the darkness again
even a hint of light is not to be found
the tears continue
i make no sound
i feel so unworthy of them
the numbness begins to creep up into me
another familiar feeling
i welcome anything that distracts me from myself
wrapped up in a cocoon of complete sorrow
i don't know where to go and what to do
what i want to do is self destruct
and yet i feel that is happening slowly from within
the tears stop and go
i breathe deeply and feel them build again
the feeling of not being here
of not feeling whole is horrible
looking up and away from myself
i am scared
i cannot control this
it controls me
the pills don't work
where do i begin and where does this end
emotions cover me like a tidal wave
and i have no place to hide

Current Mood: crushed
8:54 pm
[mrshannibal]
who's to say for sure
feeling this come upon once again
i do little to stop it
medicating myself -
the feelings worsen with each pill
thinking something - anything - will stave off the darkness
i am wrong
and it comes at me
like an embrace from an uncle you don't like
i make feeble attempts to struggle
knowing it's of no use
and i am swept into the arms of internal pain
lying, and saying i am fine
i think to myself that sleep is the escape
it finds me there and shows no mercy
i waken in a cold sweat
even the quilt upon my bed gives me no warmth
sometimes i want to believe it will go away
then realize the depths of my own darkness
knowing light does not penetrate it
and i feel forever lost

Current Mood: crushed
8:39 pm
[mrshannibal]
she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly
the images stay in my head
the emptiness envelopes me
and i know this feeling all too well
i feel the lonliness thru the words
i see the despair in the pictures
and i am pained thru and thru
this familiarity is not welcome
nor has it ever been
and yet it comes again and again
i find myself giving up
i know this is a continuing battle
and it makes me weary
the heaviness weighs upon me
it drags me down, lower than before
i stumble, and fall
emotions bubble to the surface
as a if a boiling pot of something
somethings that reeks of sorrow
i cannot see myself as the same
as the person once before
i have become someone else
the mirror shows the facade
the one everyone sees
but not what is hidden beneath
i clear my throat
to clear the pain
and swallow the lump that never goes down
i don't recognize myself
i see my face
and yet, i see nothing

Current Mood: crushed
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
2:19 pm
[mrshannibal]
hey
i feel as if i am being pulled back, out and up...as if i can see myself here and now...it's not a pleasant feeling, nor one that is easy to control...this has been happening with more and more frequency and i don't like it..i feel as if one day it is not going to stop...then all senses will cease to be and i will be no more...
this overwhelming feeling of being non-existant feels so real that it's more than just scary...
i want to stop therapy completely...no one can make me continue...no one but me...
talking and thinking drain me...my head fills with the desire to scream and not stop and i want to sleep forever and a day...
i feel as if i am being hit from all sides and i can't seem to find the strength to stand up and take it anymore...it's internal and external and painful...
jesus loves me, this i know, for the bible tells me so...well, i know all that - i just wonder why i don't feel the need to pray anymore about anything...that bothers me...
like the man in the icon - i just want to walk away from all of this....

Current Mood: depressed
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
2:49 pm
[mrshannibal]
hello
i ran out of prozac - tho' it's a low dose (10 mg), yet the manic depression has reared its ugly head...there are times during the day when i want to do everything and anything...then the thought of leaving the house drives me to my room and to lay on my bed and just read...when i get home from work, i don't want to leave anymore and this makes it difficult, as when my son works graveyard - i have to get up again take him to work by 11pm, then arise early and get him at 7am. this is something i force myself to do...i am still taking the depakote - which has been helping...the odd thing is - when i take a xanax and valium at nite to sleep (one of each, please) - i wake at 5am and can't get back to sleep...odd, that...i want to continue to feel good about life, however there are times when i seem and strongly feel as if i am going thru the motions just to get to the next day.

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
4:00 pm
[psychosynthesis]
come live with crazy people!
Zuzu's Place, a co-op house in Masachusetts for and by psychiatric survivors, a great resource and social experiment, needs eleven new members to survive. it also will hold a conference and social later in this month.

read the official annoucementCollapse )

please, pass on and forward widely. (cross-posted to any community that seemed relevant.)
Friday, March 12th, 2004
7:21 pm
[mrshannibal]
the pounding in my head
the pounding in my head
it just keeps going
its own beat
the voices screaming in my head
they just keep going
their own sound
the buzzing all around me
it just goes on and on
an endless noise
the pills do not quiet anything
they do nothing
they just lay there
the world around me stops
the quiet is louder
than anything else
the space surrounding me
is closing in
wrapping tightly around my throat
the voice within me is silent
nothing to say
that has stopped

Current Mood: anxious
7:11 pm
[mrshannibal]
this is supposed to be for her
this is supposed to be for her
yet we are all effected
we are a family of cutters
but she shook his hand
and said she wouldn't
at least this week
but i didn't
i never said a thing
the razors are in my pocket
still in their wrappers
i took them
i didn't shake anyone's hand
i didn't make promises
i couldn't keep
this is supposed to be for her
she needs to take meds
i said it was good for her
i take meds
because they are good for me
the razors sit in my pocket
pressing against the fabric
of my jeans
i was asked if i shake
yes
i am shaking now
my mind is shaking
my hands are shaking
i feel anxious
i am chomping at the bit
in my mind
this is supposed to be for her
and yet.....

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, March 5th, 2004
1:44 pm
[mrshannibal]
crawling in my skin
this feeling has come back like a bad dream. the anxiety, the manic depression, the disassociative feeling that never leave. i thought having a job and something to do would put these feelings at bay or to rest, but nothing of the sort for me. i want to just peel off my skin, shake it, then put it back on.
sleep is hard to come by. i over analyze everything in my head and it keeps my brain running in circles. i take my drugs and just go from there.
so, why did i get this dysfunctional gene?

Current Mood: anxious
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