GENENINAH - because becky can't spell (mrshannibal) wrote in myfellowcrazies,
GENENINAH - because becky can't spell
mrshannibal
myfellowcrazies

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...and so it goes...

this depersonalized feeling seems to have come for an uninvited visit, and has chosen to stay - despite my best, physical efforts to remove it from this human temple of chaos...i've been prescribed a higher dosage of prozac (the depression just sucks - i mean, let's face it, not something most want to live with, but some don't have a choice), and higher dosage of depakote (yeah - feeling depersonalized almost ALL the time is no day at the beach)...i spoke with one of the therapists here (they are called "clinicians" - god knows why!) and he suggested some form of group therapy, and i thought to myself, "why hadn't i come up with that?" just shows to go ya...so, yeah - i get this feeling a lot - like now...i feel as if i'm being lifted out of the chair, back and up towards the ceiling and there's really nothing i can do to stop it...it leaves me feeling numb, unable to seriously concentrate on my work and when i want to type - my fingers forget where the keys are and brain lets that happen...i can deal with this while in bed reading, or trying to sleep - but when i am up, and out and about - well, my fine feathered friend, it just sucks big orange donkey dick...the thoughts of cutting come and go...there are nights when i have to "daydream" myself to sleep for it to stop...the same with wanting to go out and score some meth - all of this goes hand in hand and it's always a scary thing for me...i haven't cut since some time in june, and here i thought it'd been since march! hah! but seriously - it's been a struggle to stay clean and cut-free for all this time...there are times when i literally plan it out - only to be distracted by watching something inocuous on tv, now how's that for the "perfect drug"?...this morning i felt incredibly manic and thoughts literally ran thru my head and dizzying speeds - only to have me come crashing down while riding on the bus to work...i hope the pills take the edge off at least a little...i still have the xanax & valium - but there are times when that is not enough to bring me down...all the thoughts are still there - the desire to cut and wind up in the hospital, the urge to run off and score then stay up for nights on end just to prove a stupid ass point, and then the mania sets in, or the depression and i just want to sleep the time away...and so it goes...
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